Sex is a gift from God that should be shared
within the bounds of marriage. In that context, it is a wonderful,
beautiful thing. As young people, we often forget that.
When I was sixteen and in love for the first
time, my mind clouded by hormones, the vastness of future, and and
a skewed understanding of what Love really was. I thought that relationship
was the end all be all of my existence and after all, we were surely
getting married, so sharing our "first times" was okay,
The thoughts and feelings that surround my memory
of losing my virginity are not wonderful or uplifting, nor are they
beautiful snapshots of sharing this God-given Love. Instead, they
bring guilt and dismay, disappointment, and thoughts of missed opportunities.
The act itself was not glamorous or romantic.
There were no fireworks, no perfectly-synchronized sound track in
the background, no mood lighting...no Hollywood effects to mask
the fear, guilt, and misunderstanding of these two young people
sharing something meant to be wonderful. It was awkward, but not
in a good way, painful, confusing, and short-lived. This was not
something where the Holy Spirit was present, glorifying in the sanctity
of the unity of the act between husband and wife. All in all, it
was seriously disappointing.
So, did I do the right thing and marry this
girl that I shared this precious gift with? No. Our relationship
lasted but months after, as they often do. I'm not even sure where
I would find her now, and we are not in touch. It's sad really,
that memories cannot be wonderful, and the past different.
Unfortunately you cannot go back on a decision
like this and regain that innocence to be shared with the one true
love of your life, your spouse. I take heart, however, that God
is a good God and sent his son to die on the cross for me (Jn 3:16),
so that my heart and soul would be cleansed of my sin. However,
there are still consequences of sin, and one of those is the missed
opportunity to look at my wife and say "I waited for you!"
If you want to learn more about what waiting
really means, check out True
Love Waits, they have some great resources.