Depression is something everyone deals with
at one point or another. Every teenager has a point where they second
think things and wonder if they're really worth while. It's hard
enough to deal with being a teen but being depressed is even harder.
The way my family was brought up, no one showed emotions... well...
we showed them, but not the good ones. Love was never and still
isn't a big time thing. I can't remember the last time me and my
parents told each other we loved each other. And now it's hitting
me harder than ever because my parents are deciding that after 28
years of marriage, they no longer want to be together. But that
wasn't the main source of my depression. Or maybe it was. Never
being told you're loved can really do a number on your self esteem.
So, every teenager goes through it I'm told. Fine. But if everyone
goes through it, why did mine last so long.
For the past five years I've been depressed.
It's no picnic. I never said anything to any adult because I thought
they would be ashamed that their own daughter had something wrong
with her. I would go through days, where I would just wake up and
feel horrible for no reason. Like someone had killed my best friend.
Like I was dead inside. That is the worst way to live. It wasn't
always like that, but from my sixth grade on, depression was always
something I was battling. I was always a very... defensive person.
I always was ready to take someone on. To tell them off.. to hurt
them before they could hurt me. Because of that I lost a lot of
friends, which only further pressed me into depression. There are
days that I wake up and cry, for no reason. Days I feel fine, and
then days I just don't know how I'm going to carry on with my life.
Thank goodness at that point God had taken a big step in my life
and he was there. Especially when my friends, the few who were left,
weren't there for me.
Talking to God is like reasoning with yourself
when you know the right answer...you just need someone else to tell
you it. He's been my strength for the past 5 years. He's helped
me along. But with God on my side, I had the answers, I just wasn't
using them. I kept going, thinking " God is with me, I can
make it. He'll keep me strong, he'll make it disappear." Wrong.
If I wanted it to be better, I had to see the signs he was giving
me. And I didn't. I continued high school as a wreck. Losing so
many people who would have been so much help. I turned cold towards
a lot of people, and became known as a cold and heartless person.
But I had God...why did I still hurt? Yea... well... just having
God and not listening to what he's telling you is like being in
a classroom and having a teacher spell everything out for you...
and just not listening. It's a guaranteed failure.
Well, finally, two weeks ago I finally had the
courage to go to my doctor and tell him what was going on. It was
hard. Especially with my mom in the room. I had to tell him how
I've wanted to end my life. How I've tried over dosing on pills
numerous times, and how I saw no meaning to life. My mom... had
this look on her face, as if someone had just slapped her. She didn't
want to hear it. She didn't want to understand it. My doctor wants
me to go see a psychiatrist. They have an MD... little different
from a psychologist. I didn't think I wanted to. I had enough trouble
telling a man who I've known for 16 years about this...how was I
to tell a complete stranger? Well, I went. With my Dad this time.
My mom wanted nothing to do with this "project". That
hurt more than anything else. Not having your mom there for you
when you needed her most. But my Dad understood me. So off we went.
As it turns out, I'm a manic depressive. And
I'm getting counseling I should have gotten 5 years ago. And it's
hard. And I still have bad days. But they're getting better with
the grace of God. Manic depressive, for those who don't understand
what it means... is like being fine one minute...and crying the
next for no reason. Just losing it. Having a great day and the next
it horrible. Thinking about death all the time. Thinking life isn't
worth it. Thinking no one would be at your funeral a lot. About
suicide. What your suicide note would say...or whether or not to
leave one. Would you go to heaven? Or not? Being down all the time.
And you can't get back up, no matter what. Not getting as much fun
out of things you used to love doing. Yea. There's a lot of things
it is... and a lot of levels of depression.
Every teen goes through it. But... 1 out of
every 5 is clinically depressed. And out of 16 million who are clinically
depressed... only 100,000 go for help. If God wasn't there with
me, showing me the way, though it took time; who knows where I would
be right now. Depression is hard, but asking for help and guidance
from God, and someone you trust is the first step. And until you
take that step, it's like jumping into a hole you know you can't
get out of.